The shitty part of being single

For the most part it's pretty cool, I get to go around flirting with boys which is a good thing and I get to do the whole casual thing (LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENS LOL).

What gets to me though are these moments where it feels like I have some sort of gaping empty hole in my soul or when I feel like getting all douched up and talk about the abstract philosophical ideals of Russian intellectuals and how it pertains to current social structures and just have no one that would get it.

I just want to feel that connection with some other miserable soul on this massive blue planet. So far no one I've met since my break up has cut it.

Where is my collection of lovers?

I swear that was my new years resolution.

Collect as many boys I can.

Get myself a nice boy who's all into painting, one with a beard, one with an extensive comic book collection who I can argue about the physics and logic of the DC verse with, one chef, one who's up in the event managing biznezz and would sneak me into awesome shows, a bartender, and well you get it.

BUT MY LIFE IS PATHETIC AND I STILL NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS RUT OF DEPRESSION AND COMPLETE UTTER DEMOTIVATION I AM IN. I HATE EVERYTHING

NO ONE EVER MENTION THIS POST TO ME AFTER THIS POINT IN TIME EVER

Ever notice how..

I usually use this blog to just whine like a mopey bitch? Well essentially that's what blogs are really. Call me some immature 15 year old if you must, it still will not stop me.

Honestly, I have forgotten how it feels to be as alone as it is right now. I never would've thought I'd miss Subang this much. Seeing that I'm back at home I assumed that I'd have someone to hang out with regularly, yet I spend most of my time ALONE. Why? I need to know why.

What is it about this whole Shafina existence that seem to repel people? Do I give off a don't come near me aura? Am I just generally a shitty person? Is it my lack of social skills? Or am I just really fucking needy? Really I NEED TO KNOW.

I mean I get that everyone has their own shit and can't be free to accommodate hanging out with me every single day. It's part of this process of getting on with your life. Still, I need reassurance that the friendships in which I hold dear are those that can lasts a lifetime. Or is all this lack of sleep and stress getting to me.

BEING SINGLE SUCKS

new leases on life!

Now that I'm back scared shitless but totally willing to face this macabre desolate wasteland of my future even with the faintest glimpses of guidance. Well it'd be unfair to say that my guiding light is some dying candle in th wind. A more accurate personification would be that glimmer of water in the sunlight I guess; attractive, blinding and could possibly drown you.

Wow I feel poetic. I suppose about a month or so of sitting on your ass creates some sort of pent up angst am I right? Also this is essentially me trying to unclog this writers clog that I have since this lazy ass of mine can't seem to bring herself to write even when one of the motherfucking muses is basically doing the writing for her ,she still can't be bothered. Therefore excuse the shitty writing for this post.

LIVE LONG AN PROSPER BITCHESSS

Death to Death

Wide eyed, grinning in to darkened room,

Sipping cactus brandy from a china spoon,

Coming in the morning in the afternoon, forgetting.

So tired waiting for the end to come,

Fully dead already but forever young,

Hello, my dearest father it's your favorite son,

There's somethings that I'm regretting.

I am destroyer, I am lover,

I am destroyer, I am lover.

I love one thing, destroy the other.

I am destroyer, I am lover.

A gypsy told my fortune then I told her hers,

I said "you'll die high in the mountains wrapped in silver furs.

You'll be looking for your lover in the midnight sun and you'll perish for your lover;

When the frost has begun."

I have a way of seeing and it's nearly gone,

And nobody was listening so I wrote this song.

And when you know the chorus, you can sing along,

you destroy the thing you love, even though you know it's wrong.

I am destroyer, I am lover.

I am destroyer, I am lover.

why love one thing and not the other?

I am destroyer, I am lover,

and when I kiss, I like to smother...

Internships!

"Liking your own statuses is as vain as reading your own blog."

I am aware that the quote has not much in relation to the contents of this post, but who doesn't like laughing at their own vanity?

So, Shafina is on the verge of ending the a-level portion of this journey we call "life". SINCE, she did absolute SHIT on her AS she decided to re-do the worst subject she performed in. She still however takes comfort in the fact that a D in a levels still lands you a spot in most universities. YEAY! Insanely high standards of A-levels!

Okay, back to the point since I'll probably have about 2-3 months before having to go enter the other even more less diluted version of "the real world". I thought "Hey! Why not go out and experience the real world by going for an internship to another country and get some kind of professional working experience."

Well, it can't be any worse than me just hanging out at home goyang kaki right? Imagine, having your own pick of living in any one of 110 countries for 6-8 weeks. *sigh* Thank God! The parents gave me a thumbs up! YEAY!

Now, to think a few months from now I could be absolutely anywhere, doing absolutely anything. Not THAT is mui bueno.

"Best friend" you're still an absolute fucking bitch.