Then I thought about how my behavior has excelled from slightly stupid to epically stupid. I can't help but wonder about that. I won't go into detail about my stupid actions. Just know that they were stupid. Now I wonder whether my values are very flexible or whether I have any values at all?
Both of which would still constitute me as a fuck up right? Now does this mean I'm a fuck up by choice or the environment that I grew up in made me a fuck up? I know it's unfair to blame your mistakes on someone else, I won't put my behavior down as "social facts" but it comes close to being one.
I come from the typical "budak rosak" background. Upper middle class family. Absent parents for most of my childhood, so they bought me nearly everything I asked for to get over the guilt of almost never being there.
Massive pricks for siblings, the parentals weren't in their most "harmonious" state in my earlier years, the siblings didn't take their shouting matches over the breakfast table very well, so they took it out on the youngest one. No, they never beat me too bad or anything, but I'd say chasing your 8 year old sister around the house with a kitchen knife because you thought it was "funny" is kind of fucked up.
Didn't have a single friend until Amani came along when I was 9. Okay, maybe this was not much of a "budak rosak" background type of thing. I say it still constitutes as something that may contribute to my "fucked up-ness".
I'm also slightly unhappy with my mother's inconsistent values. When I was younger she would give me these liberal and modern values that she says I should be living by. Now, that I live by them she does a 180 and tells me that I should stop this "sinful" way of live because it's humiliating for my dad. This is where my sister gets off easier, because she lives in Indonesia and only has to see the parentals for like 5 times maximum a year.
But then at some point in time, The Cousin stepped in to teach me about the awesomeness of various DC superheroes, the beauty of video games, the epic abilities of Doctor Who and became that older brother that I needed. He taught me how to be a decent and normal human being. Too bad you can never really erase the fucked up psyche of a person, not entirely anyway. I love him, I owe a lot of what I am today to him. He's very nearly the only person who I really do not want to disappoint ever. I'm sorry Cousin.
I can never stop myself from seeing things in shades of grey. Whether this is good or bad I don't really know, because I don't like the concept of "definite" and "absolute". No one is definitely bad nor is there a person who is absolutely good. There are two sides to everything, in certain cases even more than two. Who am I to be the judge of people? I hold no superior title or power over them. Though this could also play a part in my outlandish behavior.
Regardless, I still need to figure shit out. I didn't mean to make this post sound like I'm the most depressing person in the world. If you want depressing look at that guy with the 55 lbs. tumor in his face. Now that's depressing. I'll just put a disclaimer here so I don't offend anyone. The post was just for my sake in trying to figure some shit out. I don't mean to call anyone a "budak rodak" but if any of the statements set here strikes a chord with any of you don't take it up with me.
You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim almost every single day
You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone
Yeah you do it again
You always do it again
You say they taught you to read and write
Yeah they taught you how to count
I say they tought you how to buy and sell your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down
You do what you do
Yeah you say what you say
You always try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
Yeah you stumble and you fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Spin around and fall down
Do it again
Yeah you stumble and you you fall
I wonder if you will ever learn
Yeah why won't you ever learn
Come on now, do that stupid dance for me
